Post-Manuscript-Completion Thoughts (HESPERIA)

This is VERY overdue. Like, five months overdue. But I remembered that I had a post like this for my NA contemporary IF LIFE WERE FAIR, and I think it's a nice thing, being able to read back on your thoughts about a manuscript.

So here we go. Here are my post-manuscription-completion thoughts for HESPERIA, my YA Fantasy.

Some stats:

Started: sometime around November of 2013
First draft completed: November 2014
Number of times dropped: beyond what I can count

Back when I wrote this post for ILWF, my manuscript numbering system was already starting to get slightly unruly. I considered ILWF my third manuscript completed ever, but I also considered it my second manuscript completed with the goal of publication in mind (as I've mentioned elsewhere, I sent out one query for MS #1 completed ever before realizing that the MS just wasn't anywhere near publishable). So what is HESPERIA, now? MS #4? Or MS #3?

I think I'm going to stop referring to my novels by the numbering system. Maybe every now and then, I'll refer to HESPERIA as my fourth MS ever, but it's starting to get a little hard to keep track of, especially when I think about how I began this journey of mine wondering if I would even be able to churn out a second, let alone a fourth, completed novel.

HESPERIA was definitely a hard one to write. Stylistically, it was different. I hadn't written in first person past in a while, and switching away from the present tense to the past was a bigger transition than I expected. I really believe that the tense you write a novel in makes a big deal. It just gives the story a different feeling, and while I knew I wanted to give first person past a serious try, I wasn't quite sure. Even when I've gotten to chapter 20, I was still playing around with the idea of switching the tense and person-narration of the whole thing. I wrote some chapters in first person present. I even wrote some chapters in third person past. Ultimately, my initial choice--first person past--was the one I stuck with, and I am glad I did because it's one of the things that sets HESPERIA apart from my other novels in feel and means of narration.

Plot-wise, I believe it was more complex that anything else than I've written so far. I'm a very loose outliner, so while I knew there were going to be twists, I didn't expect twist after twist to pop up. There were times where I'd just be on the treadmill in the gym (hah! The days when I still exercised...) and I'd start thinking about how a twist was going to work out, how to even build up to that twist so that it wouldn't seem like I was waving my writerly wand and slapping you in the face. I started to listen to my writing playlist on repeat while doing my miles, just so that I could think about my plot in a better ambience (like, to the sound of epic Two Steps From Hell music rather than the usual gym-sounds of dying people, including myself).

Character-wise, it initially had one of the largest casts I'd ever tackled. Through the drafts, some characters have gotten cut here and there, but there are still a large number of characters, and not just ones that I name-drop or introduce in a couple scenes (as was the case of INGENICIDE and ILWF). No, most of these characters had their own backstories and they wove in and out of the narrative. At the same time, I got really attached to all my characters, which is a surprise. Normally, I'm very attached to my main character and the love interest, and maybe a side character or two. But this time around, I just knew so much about my side characters that I couldn't help but root for them, too.

Luckily, the world came pretty easily to me. I was very inspired by Chinese stories and legends, and Deviantart also provided a lot of the artwork that inspired my visions of the setting.

Mechanical struggles of writing aside, my drafting of HESPERIA came at a time in my life when a lot of things were changing for me. Thus, I had a lot of dry spells, and there were times when I seriously wondered if I'd ever be able to finish the novel. I loved the story and the characters, but as you've seen, it was one of the hardest novels I've attempted to write, and that didn't help how I was generally having a tough time writing. Even when the mood struck, it wasn't one of those stories where I could randomly plant my butt in a chair and write for an hour. It required a lot of thinking and just figuring out how things were going to pan out.

That's why at one full year, it's the novel that has taken the longest to write (and it's also my longest novel, with draft 3 clocking in at 96k). At the same time, I venture to say that it's also one of my cleaner drafts in terms of character development and *most* plot elements. I still had to do some heavy revisions in parts, but overall, I came out of draft #1 pretty satisfied with Hesperia's character arc and her interactions with other characters. Lack of satisfaction in this area factored into my decision to pull ILWF from the query trenches, so I was pretty scared that was going to happen again.

And something else I've noticed? I've improved as a writer. After four novels, this might come as a given, but it's taken a long time for me to accept. I'm with my writing every day, and just like it's hard to notice changes in yourself until someone who hasn't seen you in a while comments, it's hard for me to see sometimes how I'm gradually getting better.

But I am. In a way, HESPERIA was sort of a turning point for me--I've never given up on a novel that I've seriously committed to in terms of finishing, but this one time I found myself on a precipice. I didn't fall, and now I'm ready to tackle my fifth novel.

*Thinking about HESPERIA makes me sort of sentimental. It really couldn't have happened without the support I've received from all my writerly friends. Thank you, Rivka and Deborah, for taking the time to read some of the rougher stuff and being excited about the work. Thank you, Molly, for honing it into the draft that it is today. Thank you to the boyfriend who didn't run off in fright when I asked him if he could  read the rough manuscript to me aloud (and thanks for putting up with all those conversations regarding the novel).  

And lastly, thank you, Anne, for sticking with the story despite the month's of silence and being the kindest, most generous cheerleader you are. I churned out some of those chapters thinking this might be the last--I can't write another, but then you would demand more, and I really couldn't turn you down.

With that, I'll finish with some of the art that inspired some of the scenes in the novel:

by Fel-X

by pictsy

by TylerEdlinArt

by JJcanvas

by Exphrasis

When it all gets to be a bit too much

If you haven't noticed by now, I've sort of died.

My best friend of 12+ years knows that my biggest (and probably most annoying) flaw is hermitting. Yes, hermitting. It's similar to taking some time off to focus on "me-time", but sometimes that "me-time" stretches into months.

The writing community is awesome. But for one week last year, after feeling down about a past MS that I shelved and a new MS that my CP's loved but that I personally did not feel like was quite ready, I took a break. I told myself I just needed to get off the internet, stop checking my emails for query responses, stop blogging. I needed to clear my mind.

And that week turned into months. Months have turned into nearly a year.

I know, it's horrible.

Of course, there were other factors that went into the unexpectedly long break. College was becoming something very real and I could no longer think about it in an abstract way (oh my god, I got into college! Time to get senioritis). I reconciled with the fact that I was one step closer to having to deal with the "real world," and that my choices and actions for the next few years would ultimately decide if writing would remain a hobby or evolve to become something more.

My family also moved. We packed all our things from our house of twelve years and trucked them into a new house (or condo, for the sake of specificity). While it was by no means an across the country (or seas) move, people who know me know that I am absolutely horrible when it comes to adapting to change. The move went smoothly. I did erupt into hives. I did feel a weird emptiness inside of me. But yes, overall, it was a smooth move.

I also got into my first serious relationship. I've heard people talk about baby-brain, but relationship brain is a thing. I had always run into the occasional writers block, but this time I faced the worst creative low in my life. Sometime, I'll write a post on this. Anyway, while the relationship was (and still is!) awesome, I felt ashamed of the fact that it was sapping my writing motivation. I kept on trying to tell myself that if I could just gather the willpower, I COULD and WOULD write.

I failed miserably.

Lastly, however, was just fear. I felt bad about my writing. I felt bad about not seeing any results yet. I have a strong belief that anyone who starts writing young can't help but dream of being published young. I was no exception. And while I hadn't exactly shelved 3210321 novels, ILWF was doing worse than INGENICIDE in the query trenches, which was devastating since my CP's had vouched for it.

To give you a clearer picture, I sent out 80 queries for INGENICIDE. That number dropped to 30 for ILWF. I was scared, so, so scared of raking up rejections that I simply decided to put myself out there less to the number of closed doors.

Finishing my YA Fantasy WIP, HESPERIA, during this time was torturous. The words wouldn't come out, and what words did end up coming out did not sound right. I began to think that I not only could not gather the motivation to write anymore, but that I had become a worse writer.

I started video gaming. It was a hobby that both my boyfriend and I could share, and I met some new friends this way. But in truth, it was more than a hobby. It was something to fill the writing void, and I knew it.

I continued to hermit. I eventually reengaged with the writing community by stalking all my favorite writers' blogs. But I couldn't bring myself to comment or say anything. I admired the writing community from afar but no longer felt as if I could be a part of it. Everyone else seemed to be able to write despite having their own respective challenges and problems. I couldn't.

I know this post sounds really depressing,  but I promise you it isn't. Because going through this "dark period" in writing, I've learned something extremely valuable.

I will always write. Always. Because be it a month or a year, I always come back to my scrivener docs. And I can't help but write.

So I'm back. After a year of being dead, I'm back.

When it all gets to be a bit too much, do what you need to do. Whether that is take a break, go out for some air, find another hobby. Hermit if you need to. As I've told a friend countless of times, don't worry about whether or not you've made the right decision while you're taking that break. The answer will come to you. You'll know it one of two ways:

A. You're just immensely happier on your break (this was me with competitive running).
B. You'll be happy at first but the happiness won't last and you'll just know that something is missing from your life. When that feeling comes, you will know.

I knew that competitive running was not something I wanted to do for an extended period of my life. The stint in high school happened, and while it is not an experience I regret, I realize that the stress outweighed the happiness I got from it. For writing, however, I fall into category B, and I would have wanted nothing else. I am glad to be back, and I hope you will all receive me again.

Call for readers (and I will accept my limits)

***BEFORE YOU READ, DISCLAIMER!!! I am not breaking up with any existing or pre-promised partnerships. So no fear!***

Back when I was young and editing INGENICIDE (haha, just kidding!), I honestly wondered how the heck was I supposed to get people to read my MS? Therefore, whenever anyone offered, it felt just as exhilarating as...getting a full request. So in order to show my appreciation, I'd offer to swap, because why should I expect someone to read my MS without giving something back in return?

Slowly, it's beginning to dawn on me that I can't do that anymore. Between life, reading the works of my critique group, writing my own stuff, and trying to catch up on those MS's that I'd promised to crit, I have to come out honestly and say that I've bitten off more than I can chew. As much as I try to be an infallible, generous critter, I've realized that I can't continue to let this image get in the way of my actual abilities. Not only is that stressful for me (because I want to be able to read all the MS's in the world and I want to crit every single one), more importantly it's not fair to those whom I have promised a critique swap, who have to wait months and months without any feedback.

No longer can I promise to keep to the critique for a critique system. And I apologize profusely for that. I wish that I didn't have these limits because I owe so much to each and every person who takes the time to read my writing. Because without all of you, I wouldn't have improved as much as I have.

Because of my respect for all of you, I can't keep on overestimating the extent of my abilities.

Thinking all of this through has helped me come to terms with the fact that I can't maintain a critique partnership with everyone (although I'd really, really love to), that I have to accept the fact that there are simply readers out there who just want to enjoy the MS and do not expect a critique in return.

And so I now I post my call for all beta readers interested in reading and providing oh-so-helpful feedback on the second pass of my newly finished MS, IF LIFE WERE FAIR.

Genre: Upper YA/NA Contemporary (with medium romantic element)
Word Count: 58,000
Status: Complete--version 2
Query:

Idle from her gap year before college and cynical from running the hamster wheel of binge eating and exercising, eighteen-year-old Bernie Lisel receives an ultimatum from her mother: get a job or lose the credit card. 

Easier said than done.

Waitressing at the fancy French bistro in Manhattan is just what Bernie doesn’t need on her plate. But in the name of money to supply her binges, she’ll take it. Even if that means installing an edit button on her perpetually snarking mouth and trying not to mix up vanilla cream and tartar sauce. Gradually, Bernie learns the ropes and begins to bond with a crew of optimistic and quirky coworkers. And then there’s Luke Wells, assistant chef and a sophomore at Columbia. Selfless and diligent to a fault, he might also be the best listener to people's problems in the entire universe. Perhaps that’s why Bernie feels equal parts exposed and guarded around him.

But when Luke is diagnosed with stage III stomach cancer and refuses treatment, Bernie suddenly discovers that she’s not the only one with a secret to keep. Putting aside her eating disorder to help Luke with a turbulent family past, she orchestrates a journey to his home state of Montana. As the 2,400 miles whittle down, the last question on Bernie’s mind is of her own recovery. She only wonders if she can accomplish for Luke what she never could for herself—breaking the self-fulfilling cycle of resignation.

If you are interested, please comment with your email OR email me at joanart6 AT gmail DOT com. And if I haven't said this already, seriously, you guys are the best. I'm sorry for this being such a downer post. If you do decide that you'd like to be a beta for ILWF, I really appreciate it. I completely understand how busy everyone is, which is why the writing community continues to surprise me with its awesomeness. 

Post-manuscript completion thoughts

After two months of flying through the beginning, waddling around the sticky middle, and sprinting full-speed to the finish line, I have finally completed MS #3!!* For the super rough blurb, check out the my NOVELS tab and scroll to IF LIFE WERE FAIR. 

This was me post-completion. Don't you love my alter persona? 

I had a lot of fun writing this one because the main character had a very strong personality and naturally I spent a lot of time in her head as the novel is from first person POV. Surprisingly, the the writing process was different from MS #2, INGENICIDE. I know you're thinking well, Joan, you're writing a different novel for one, not to mention in a different genre. Of course the process is going to be different. And I understand that, but at the same time I had thought that the overall feel would be more or less the same, given the method I used for INGENICIDE was successful, as in I actually finished it and thought to myself: hey, this doesn't suck too badly!

Now in retrospect, I can see how writing IF LIFE WERE FAIR turned out to be a different experience than INGENICIDE. Firstly, I wrote INGENICIDE (65k) over the course of four months at the pace of a consistent plod. That means I had more time to afford non-writing days, days when I'd wait for some inspiration to strike (guilty!). In contrast, IF LIFE WERE FAIR (58k) is the product of a two month writing frenzy (which is still is far from the Nano pace, but it was a lot of me--I'm a slowish worker :). Why? Well, I still feel kind of sad for missing the dystopian bandwagon for INGENICIDE  so this me trying to catch the wagon for upper YA/NA before I miss it and fall face-flat in the dust.** But that's beside the point. The point is that I didn't have the luxury of losing too many writing days with IF LIFE WERE FAIR.  Which is probably why there were points in the story where I practically had to force myself to muscle through, not so much because they boring, but because I only have so much juice in me for a day. I've always been able to squeeze out some juice, but this was wringing. 

Secondly, I wrote in a completely different style for IF LIFE WERE FAIR as compared to INGENICIDE.  My CP's noticed this, and I, too, was aware. Bernadette, the MC in IF LIFE WERE FAIR has a lot of emotional baggage and is trying to rescue a personality that has been warped by her eating disorder. As a result, the syntax, word choice, and tone of every sentence in IF LIFE WERE FAIR were stark contrasts to the minimalistic and artistic voice of Sibyl, the MC from INGENICIDE. I had no idea how much this would influence the writing process! There were days when Bernie, oh-so-moody, just wouldn't speak to me. 

And lastly, writing the ending to IF LIFE WERE FAIR was just as exhilarating, but more taxing, than writing the ending to INGENICIDE  This is probably due to the fact that I worked myself into a last leg writing sprint and whipped out 8k in one night. The emotional impact of watching all of the story simmer down before my eyes in the matter of hours was unbelievably thrilling and sad.*** The reason why I was able to write this much at once for the end of IF LIFE WERE FAIR and not for INGENICIDE is because I had a clear idea of how I wanted IF LIFE WERE FAIR to end even before the halfway point of the story. That made the road leading up to the finale much easier to navigate.

All in all, writing IF LIFE WERE FAIR was neither easier nor harder than writing INGENICIDE, even though I had more experience under my belt. Regardless, I had a blast watching my characters come to life and weaving a theme and voice throughout the novel. Currently, I'm letting it rest for a bit before diving into revisions. Meanwhile, I'm so excited to start on this shiny new idea that popped to me during the sticky middle of IF LIFE WERE FAIR  A post will be up for that soon, and I'll be adding it to the NOVELS tab.

For those of you who have written more than one MS, did you find the general "writing experience" changed (outside of genre related differences) from one MS to the other? 

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*I think I might have carpal tunnel? I have an ache going from my right pinky down the side of my palm?!

**I don't believe in write the next trend. I DO believe in timing. If it just so happens that what you are currently writing might be garnering interest in the publishing world, well, why not try to seize the opportunity?

***I went to bed at 2AM and couldn't fall asleep for an hour because my head was buzzing with the story-residue. Plus, it was thundering like the end of the world. I had planned to brew myself a massive cup of coffee the next morning, but we lost power :( Needless to say, I was a zombie for the rest of the day until my awesome friend supplied me with chocolate and gingersnaps. Who says sugar isn't a remedy?