When it all gets to be a bit too much

If you haven't noticed by now, I've sort of died.

My best friend of 12+ years knows that my biggest (and probably most annoying) flaw is hermitting. Yes, hermitting. It's similar to taking some time off to focus on "me-time", but sometimes that "me-time" stretches into months.

The writing community is awesome. But for one week last year, after feeling down about a past MS that I shelved and a new MS that my CP's loved but that I personally did not feel like was quite ready, I took a break. I told myself I just needed to get off the internet, stop checking my emails for query responses, stop blogging. I needed to clear my mind.

And that week turned into months. Months have turned into nearly a year.

I know, it's horrible.

Of course, there were other factors that went into the unexpectedly long break. College was becoming something very real and I could no longer think about it in an abstract way (oh my god, I got into college! Time to get senioritis). I reconciled with the fact that I was one step closer to having to deal with the "real world," and that my choices and actions for the next few years would ultimately decide if writing would remain a hobby or evolve to become something more.

My family also moved. We packed all our things from our house of twelve years and trucked them into a new house (or condo, for the sake of specificity). While it was by no means an across the country (or seas) move, people who know me know that I am absolutely horrible when it comes to adapting to change. The move went smoothly. I did erupt into hives. I did feel a weird emptiness inside of me. But yes, overall, it was a smooth move.

I also got into my first serious relationship. I've heard people talk about baby-brain, but relationship brain is a thing. I had always run into the occasional writers block, but this time I faced the worst creative low in my life. Sometime, I'll write a post on this. Anyway, while the relationship was (and still is!) awesome, I felt ashamed of the fact that it was sapping my writing motivation. I kept on trying to tell myself that if I could just gather the willpower, I COULD and WOULD write.

I failed miserably.

Lastly, however, was just fear. I felt bad about my writing. I felt bad about not seeing any results yet. I have a strong belief that anyone who starts writing young can't help but dream of being published young. I was no exception. And while I hadn't exactly shelved 3210321 novels, ILWF was doing worse than INGENICIDE in the query trenches, which was devastating since my CP's had vouched for it.

To give you a clearer picture, I sent out 80 queries for INGENICIDE. That number dropped to 30 for ILWF. I was scared, so, so scared of raking up rejections that I simply decided to put myself out there less to the number of closed doors.

Finishing my YA Fantasy WIP, HESPERIA, during this time was torturous. The words wouldn't come out, and what words did end up coming out did not sound right. I began to think that I not only could not gather the motivation to write anymore, but that I had become a worse writer.

I started video gaming. It was a hobby that both my boyfriend and I could share, and I met some new friends this way. But in truth, it was more than a hobby. It was something to fill the writing void, and I knew it.

I continued to hermit. I eventually reengaged with the writing community by stalking all my favorite writers' blogs. But I couldn't bring myself to comment or say anything. I admired the writing community from afar but no longer felt as if I could be a part of it. Everyone else seemed to be able to write despite having their own respective challenges and problems. I couldn't.

I know this post sounds really depressing,  but I promise you it isn't. Because going through this "dark period" in writing, I've learned something extremely valuable.

I will always write. Always. Because be it a month or a year, I always come back to my scrivener docs. And I can't help but write.

So I'm back. After a year of being dead, I'm back.

When it all gets to be a bit too much, do what you need to do. Whether that is take a break, go out for some air, find another hobby. Hermit if you need to. As I've told a friend countless of times, don't worry about whether or not you've made the right decision while you're taking that break. The answer will come to you. You'll know it one of two ways:

A. You're just immensely happier on your break (this was me with competitive running).
B. You'll be happy at first but the happiness won't last and you'll just know that something is missing from your life. When that feeling comes, you will know.

I knew that competitive running was not something I wanted to do for an extended period of my life. The stint in high school happened, and while it is not an experience I regret, I realize that the stress outweighed the happiness I got from it. For writing, however, I fall into category B, and I would have wanted nothing else. I am glad to be back, and I hope you will all receive me again.