Pitchwars 101: The Query

If you're anything like me, you stay on the fence about everything until the very last possible minute. This series of short, last minute posts will hopefully be helpful to anyone still unsure about the contest itself, the query, the first chapter, and the synopsis.

Check out my previous post in the Pitchwars 101 Series: An Overview

• The query at a glance:
• A simple introduction is fine and actually preferred. Address the person you're querying properly, and then jump right into the body of the query, unless you're personalizing.
• The body (the part where you talk about the story) of your query should be about 2-4 paragraphs. One giant paragraph is off-putting, and more than four, major paragraphs makes your query look like a synopsis
• A query and a synopsis are different! The query should read like a back-cover blurb on a book, whereas the synopsis reads more like cliffnotes/a wikipedia page. 
• After the body, there should be a mini paragraph where you share your word count, your genre + age category, and your comp titles (usually two). 
• Try to keep at least one of your comp titles as recent as possible
• Try to avoid using the cliched comp titles (e.g. Harry Potter, Twilight, Hunger Games, Game of Thrones, etc.)
• Word count should be rounded to the nearest thousandth. 
• After this mini paragraph comes your bio paragraph. If your bio doesn't have too much of a tie-in with your book (e.g. you're a curator at a museum, and your book is about museums), err on the side of keeping it short.
• All in all, you really want the body portion to shine, and then just make sure that you have your other components and that all the info is accurate (e.g. don't lie about your word count)
• The body of the query:
• Establish your world without being overwhelming or confusing. Drop some specific details that can immedaitely give the reader a flavor of your setting, but don't have too many of these details, or go overboard, and save the more complex elements for the actual book
• Establish the main arc of your plot, and enrich with a line or two about a subplot. The main arc of your plot should be very visible and be the main driver behind the tension and stakes.
• TENSION! STAKES! Lack of these two is my most often given crit. But don't kill it with vague, generic statements that are all too common. "She must save the world"/"She must do X, or die" is not enough on its own. Infuse these statements with the flavor of your characters and plot. They're so popular because they do work, but only when they're unique. 
• The tone of the body should match the tone of your book. Serious book? Try to keep the voice pretty serious. Funny, witty book? Drop hints of that in the query.

Of course, no "query" blogpost would be complete without an example query, so for all the curious ones, here you go, two in fact!

This is the one I sent as part of my pitchwars sub:

Having snored through all her imperial lessons, seventeen-year-old princess Hesperia wouldn’t really know why the Ostian people loathe the seers and the magicians. Neither does she care to learn, not when she’d rather spend time in the imperial gardens, her one and only sanctuary.

Until the day she stumbles upon the king’s body in a bed of nightflowers.

With her father entombed in jade, her mother ill from grief, and her brother called away to tend to an impending war, Hesperia sacrifices her freedom to fill the empty throne. As queen, she vows to uncover the truth behind the death as one last gift to her honest father. But when the healers insist on calling the king’s passing a verdict of the gods, Hesperia realizes that the power of a crown may not be enough. 

Consulting a seer would result in death by a thousand cuts, yet Hesperia risks paying the price to secure an investigation and trial. The court, however manipulates the trial, framing enemies of the Ost as the king’s killer—enemies such as the seers and magicians. Hesperia must stay one step ahead of the schemes or watch the trial spiral into a tangle of prejudice and propaganda. She must protect her own secrets, craft her lies carefully, or lose her life. That is, if the truth behind her father’s death doesn’t destroy her first. 

At 96k, HESPERIA is a YA fantasy inspired by the social issues raised in TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD and the palace intrigue in THE WINNER'S CRIME. It is set in a world that is a cross between ancient Rome and China.

My family is Chinese and I've grown up knowing the great epics and popular legends of the culture. This had helped me craft the China-influenced setting as accurately as possible. When I am not writing, I am studying Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania. 

Thank you for your time and consideration!

And then this is the one I sent in my queries to agents post-PW, after my mentor and I polished it up:

As Princess of the Ost, seventeen-year-old Hesperia should be attending the blood trials with her family, not hiding from her maids in the watersilk ponds. But when she discovers her father’s body in a bed of nightflowers, she’s faced with a trial of her own: uncover the truth behind his death, or watch it go down in the scrolls as the verdict of the gods.

With her mother ill and her brother leading the army, Hesperia risks her life when she consorts with a forbidden seer to secure an investigation as a final gift to her beloved father. The war-hungry court manipulates the trial, however, framing the seers and magicians who have begun to re-emerge centuries after they were purged. With the help of a legendary assassin and her adopted brother and sister, Hesperia struggles to stay one step ahead of the court officials as the trial spirals into a tangle of prejudice and propaganda.

Now, Hesperia faces betrayal at every turn: from a neighboring country that seeks to use the seers and magicians for its own selfish aims, and from the only family she has left. With whispers of revolution simmering in the shadows, she must eradicate the cycle of persecution—or become its next victim. 

At 88k, HESPERIA is a YA fantasy inspired by the social issues raised in TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD and the palace intrigue in THE WINNER'S CRIME. It is set in a world that is a cross between ancient Rome and China.

As a Chinese American, I've grown up with many of the great Chinese epics and popular legends, which helped inspire the setting for HESPERIA. In addition to writing, drawing, and baking, I am a sophomore at the University of Pennsylvania majoring in Psychology. I am a 2015 Pitch Wars finalist mentored by Mara Rutherford. 

So there you have it! Hopefully this before and after is helpful in giving you a sense of the quality of query that sparked interest among mentors and got me several requests for more materials, but as you can tell, there was room for changes and improvement! So don't fret too much about every single word of your query - it needs to demonstrate strong writing and do your story justice, but it's likely to change once you have a mentor.

Stay tuned for the next post on the first chapter!